“There are times in our lives when we have to realize our past is precisely what it is, and we cannot change it. But we can change the story we tell ourselves about it, and by doing that, we can change the future.”
― Eleanor Brown, The Weird Sisters
My New Year’s resolution this year was to take better care of myself, but not in the usual methods. Should I improve what I eat and work out more, yeah, but before I even start to focus on that, I need to focus on mentally repairing the damage that has been done.
It’s easy enough to blame others. Over the past two years, for example, I could blame morale on the workforce. But who hasn’t experienced that? No, my goal is to focus on what it is that brings me peace. One of the key factors that does that, and one that has been neglected in recent years, is spending time with horses.
Over the past 15-20 years, I’ve been teaching others how to ride, how to develop their communication with their horses, how to experience the same joy I once did as a child when the smell of horses was akin to heaven. This love of all things horse related meant that I had the secret ambition to run a barn, to live horses 24/7/365, but like most things in life, the reality is so rarely as beautiful as the dream. The two-ish years I ran a stable nearly broke me, mentally and physically, and the scars are still felt to this day – even six years later. But in reflecting at the beginning of the year, and realizing that the wounds had made me head shy, and that I needed to just face my fears and refuse to let that time continue to affect me today, I made that first fateful step towards reclaiming one of the best parts of my life. Horses have been my shelter from the world for over 25 years, and I couldn’t let the scars of the past continue to keep me from enjoying as much as I could.
Now, of course, the real world is rarely so kind as to just allow us to fully embrace such changes. I still have a full time job, one that tells me they pay me for 50 hours of work a week, not 40, but even by that standard I tend to view Fridays as working for free. Taking lessons, let alone teaching them, just isn’t in the cards right now. That does not mean, however, that I can’t still teach myself. And that’s where this blog comes in. This is my outlet. I still want to teach – and some day I will again – but in the meantime, I’m taking it slow. I’m taking the time to smell the flowers, as it were. To fully learn what it means to be an equestrian. I thought I knew before, but I think even when I made it my profession, I missed some of the nuances. I’m prepared now to pause a moment longer and search for them. Many may not appreciate this, but I’m finally prepared to fully learn dressage – not master it, I doubt many ever truly do. But this former three day eventer is finally ready to focus on the one element most of us eventers found a mere warm up to the fun stuff. And, luckily for me, I have a horse who is the perfect canidate for this – a sensitive, moody, delicate Warmblood named Drummer, who I ended up with after he had also become burned out. Through stiffness and a lack of communication with those around him, he showed up in my life. He loved jumping – we successfully did a few shows and an event derby before I finally burned out then dealt with the effects of one too many falls on my spine. Now, he’s nearing 16 and I think we’re both ready to try the slower lane. This relationship between horse and rider is one that will last for the rest of our lives, and for the first time since we started working together, I think we’re on the same page when it comes to dressage.
Drummer’s story is ongoing, and while I’m getting back to basics, I’ll set down some of his highlights. He’s a very complicated horse, and a single post wouldn’t do him justice. But then a single post isn’t going to do my latest venture justice either. I’m just going to have to relearn how to walk before I can canter.
Haute Ecole* 